How many doctors does it take to screw in a diagnosis?

So I recently was diagnosed by my primary care physician with bipolar disorder. Well like the other six times she diagnosed me with something, she was wrong.

How do you know she was wrong Chelsea?

Well I'm glad you asked super cool reader.

I just got home from the Samaritan Mental health unit (Big shout out to my Mom && Step dad for driving that ridiculous distance to help me out) with a different diagnosis. Let's go through this whole two weeks process day by day so you get an idea of what I've been up to.

Tuesday 9/28/21:

I have been struggling at this point for about 2 months with severe mood swings, being highly distracted, Fidgeting like crazy, being aggressive in more ways than one, ETC. Finally got into the PCP office on this day. She misdiagnoses me with bipolar, When I went in I said I thought it was ADHD or Borderline personality disorder, Now if you read my other post you will know that it's been nearly 12 years of me telling doctors that its more than depression. SO, She puts me on bipolar meds && sends me on my merry way. I start taking the meds regularly (after some hiccups of getting the medication).

Fast forward to Sunday 10/3/21

Thanks to the Abilify that I didn't want to take I start to have a few suicidal thoughts.

The following day they progress && I start to plan out how I'll leave the living here.

Monday 10/4/21

I get everyone ready for the day, send Wyatt on his way to school && head off to my college classes. After class I come straight home, I'm exhausted. I tell my husband how I am feeling via phone on the way home. I start to look into inpatient therapy centers. I wanted to go to Brattleboro VT, but due to covid they don't take people from out of state, I can't go to Saratoga or Albany because I worked in all the MHU && BHU centers. So I go to my mom && ask her to help me find an inpatient center. We settled on Samaritan hospital in Watertown NY roughly 3 hours away. I came home packed && my mom && stepdad took me that night. We got there at 9:25pm, I went through the ER && was placed in a holding cell for 13 hours while they tried to figure out a bed for me. (I was off the abilify at this point and the thoughts were gone) This ran over into Tuesday.

Tuesday 10/5/21

After being in the holding cell for a ridiculous amount of time I was finally brought upstairs to MHU at 11:00am. I was placed with a pretty cool roommate for the first night, && overall had a really good day. I hit it off with some people from Fort Drum && attended all the groups.

Wednesday 10/6/21

After breakfast I am informed I needed to change rooms because my cool roommate was leaving && They needed a solo room. I was placed with the only person on the unit that I didn't get along with, I can only describe her as a female version of Alan from the hangover.... on steroids'.... on her period. Let the good times roll. I met with the doctor && he said "your primary care doc should listen to you because you have borderline personality, not bipolar". He put me on different meds. That night I kept to myself using the phone whenever I could to call my boys, hanging out the the Army guys, going to group. I went to bed at about 8pm.

Thursday 10/7/21

I got up for the day at 5:45am like I always do. My roommate was awful all night opening and shutting the door, masturbating herself to sleep, && when I needed to use the bathroom I actually ended up holding it for about an hour because I was in fear of being beat up if I woke her. Sure enough I said "fuck it" I need to go to the bathroom && get up for the day she decided she also had to go && started to punch the wall calling me a "fucking cunt, I needed to pee, you fucking bitch, I'm going to pee my pants" Then she proceeded to try && talk to me for 5 mins so I guess she didn't need to go that bad. I went to the group room && poured my DECAF coffee, sat down a read my book until the doc came to see me. He said "lets get you out of here today at 1pm" && I insisted I stay another day to see if the meds would work, he said "if you're comfortable with that we can do that tomorrow at 1pm".

All my "friends" left this day except one, So thankfully I got to hangout with him on my last day. I ended up going to one group this day && read my book && walked around with my buddy. We stopped at the med room at 8pm && were getting ready for bed. We stood in the med line, && low and behold my crappy roommate walked right in front of us saying "Oh, Are you guys in line?" "Yes, We are waiting for meds but...." Running into our room slamming the door she yells "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES, I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL, I'M GOING TO KILL THAT STUPID BITCH, YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!" She proceeds to start throwing things all over the room && stabbed herself with a plastic fork.

At this point I obviously want to switch rooms for my safety && the cool staff before shift change suggested that if anything like this happened I could. So I tell staff && they said "lets handle this first && then we can move you". I WAS GETTING READY FOR BED HOMIE, I had to wait an hour. They said they were moving her out of the room. I got ready for bed and started to doze off when another guy decided to talk too loud on the phone. I asked him to quite down && He did it was now about 10pm && I was finally falling asleep. About to pass out when they moved that shitty roommate back into my room because they thought I was sleeping. I didn't even care, I fell asleep by 11pm.

Friday 10/8/21 Going home at 1pm today!

Getting up at 5:45am had its perks though because I made friends with nearly every staff member over the week, && the biggest line backer staff whispered me over && gave me

.............................................................Wait for it...........................................................................

CAFFINATED COFFEE! (I give him all the credit for helping me get better I swear)

I dealt with the crappy roommate by completely ignoring her. She even said at one point "I try to be a good roommate, I think I was a good roommate to you". I ignored her and left the room. I attended one group && just walked with my buddy most of the day along with reading. I showered && got my stuff ready, grabbed my buddies number, && finally signed my discharge paper work to go home. My husband was there early, I hugged him for what seemed like hours but it was only minutes. We got in the car && drove home through the scenic fall weather. I'm happy to saw I got to sleep in my own bed surrounded by my boys && my animals!

My plan:

To stay on these meds because they work.

Find a support group for people who have BPD.

Find a new primary care doctor because she's fucked up wayyy too many times.

Take a medical leave of absence from school for this semester so I don't over work myself again.

Take a nice camping/hiking trip with the goat.

Have a blast at my sister's wedding && bachelorette party.

Focus on helping Wyatt adjust to Kindergarten.

Spend more time with my extended family (Katie && her kids)

BTW: When you are a patient who checks yourself in for mental health who used to work in BHU && MHU every attending nursing student wants to hear what you have to say, Also the staff want to hangout with you for their "breaks" during the day.

The reason I am posting all of this isn't to look for pity or to tell you some dramatic sob story, The reason I am posting this is because I want to end the stigma attached with mental health. It's fucking hard to be human && it's even harder to be a good human when you have wars going on inside your head every hour. People with

metal health issues are just regular people.

Hiking with Hermes (Hadley Mountain)

Yesterday's hiking of Hadley Mountain 10/1/2021

Start: 2:15pm Summit/Fire tower: 4:00pm Stay: 1 hour End: 6:02pm

Hadley mountain is super steep, There is a very deceitful section where the grueling hike turns into a nice stroll in the woods. Problem with this is that they don't tell you there's an entire half mile left of hiking after that small stroll.

Hermes did pretty well until about half way up when he realized that he was too tired to go on. This made things difficult for me since I had to pull him up the mountain. 75lbs of resistance for about 2 hours is not very easy gotta tell ya.

We saw some pretty cool things along the way up, really cool rock formations, some cute little shrooms, lots of chipmunks and a few deer(which were obviously hunting because we heard so many gun shots).

Once we reached the summit we were happy to actually see some people so they could take our picture! They were obviously smoking a vape pen and thought I would judge them, me a woman hiking with a goat. We had our snacks && headed up the fire tower. Hermes made it up a few levels and decided he had enough.

On the way down we ran into a snag when Hermes got little scared by a hunter being too close, he heard the gunshot && went to run off. Normally since he is tethered to my hip I let him off the carabineer when he is scared but I didn't quite get him unhooked in time. so he ran past me && I slipped on a loose rock, then I fell && hit my face off of a tree. Other then that we had a very good hike.

Here's some of the photos from our hike!

Monsters are real, ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and some times they win.

I have been officially diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. The hydra of mental illness, the two faced coin, && my personal favorite nickname a giant pain in the ass.

I think I've known for about 2 years that it was more than just depression, BUT when I would go to the doctor (over the past 8 years) I'd be convinced that it was just a bad episode of depression && I'd be given meds && sent on my merry way home. That worked for a while but we were only dealing with one side of the coin, my manic side kept getting worse.

Now with Bipolar you have manic "highs" where you need little sleep, hyper active, distracted all the fucking time, your thoughts are racing, you have terrible mood swings and aggressive outbursts over really small things (there's about 90 more items on the list, but I think you get the gist). On the other side of this two faced coin is depression which also has a giant list of hellish symptoms such as being completely exhausted physically && mentally, Not feeling worthy, poor diet, && memory loss (again there's more but the main group is all here folks).

Here's a chart for reference.

So where do we go from here?

Medication: I started a medication on the 28th, Every two weeks I will be increasing the dose of said medication until we hit the "desired dose". I was supposed to start two medications the one listed and another one that would give me immediate relief to be on temporarily until I got to the correct dose on that medication. Unfortunately that medication was about $1200 before insurance, $560 with insurance, and still $160 with a coupon I found AKA not affordable on any level. Which highly pissed me off, if only I could take that expensive pill right?

The other suggestion was therapy: Here's how I feel about that, I was in therapy for about 4 years straight && they couldn't diagnose me, I NEVER felt better after leaving a therapy office (most of the time I actually felt worse), && I took psychology 101 as well as read plenty of books on cognitive behavioral therapy. I am usually open minded but sometimes I can't open my mind up to believe that therapy would work. So that's a no. I tried to get help for years, I didn't we're moving on from that.

Diagnosis: Bipolar is hella hard to diagnose. An excerpt form a news article stated that “The average length of time between a person’s first episode and getting the correct diagnosis is eight years,” said Kay Redfield Jamison, a professor of psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and author of “Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament.” (Do I plan on reading her book? you bet your sweet cheeks I do.)

So moral of the story, You know your body, mind & soul. If you feel like something is wrong then you bulldoze your way through the doctor's telling you otherwise && get the proper resources to help you with your aliment.

Reminder: Please do not ask me if I'm okay 300xs a day or tell me you wont treat me differently. It makes me have a manic episode. When I had my back surgery people would constantly put limitations on what I could do (Not doctors; friends and family) && it would piss me off because I know what I am capable of. I am still able to compose myself properly && I am the same person I was before my diagnosis. I HAVE bipolar disorder, I am NOT just this diagnosis.

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Another good read on how it feels to live with bipolar.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/06/opinion/sunday/bipolar-bassey-ikpi-book.html