I have been officially diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. The hydra of mental illness, the two faced coin, && my personal favorite nickname a giant pain in the ass.
I think I've known for about 2 years that it was more than just depression, BUT when I would go to the doctor (over the past 8 years) I'd be convinced that it was just a bad episode of depression && I'd be given meds && sent on my merry way home. That worked for a while but we were only dealing with one side of the coin, my manic side kept getting worse.
Now with Bipolar you have manic "highs" where you need little sleep, hyper active, distracted all the fucking time, your thoughts are racing, you have terrible mood swings and aggressive outbursts over really small things (there's about 90 more items on the list, but I think you get the gist). On the other side of this two faced coin is depression which also has a giant list of hellish symptoms such as being completely exhausted physically && mentally, Not feeling worthy, poor diet, && memory loss (again there's more but the main group is all here folks).
Here's a chart for reference.
So where do we go from here?
Medication: I started a medication on the 28th, Every two weeks I will be increasing the dose of said medication until we hit the "desired dose". I was supposed to start two medications the one listed and another one that would give me immediate relief to be on temporarily until I got to the correct dose on that medication. Unfortunately that medication was about $1200 before insurance, $560 with insurance, and still $160 with a coupon I found AKA not affordable on any level. Which highly pissed me off, if only I could take that expensive pill right?
The other suggestion was therapy: Here's how I feel about that, I was in therapy for about 4 years straight && they couldn't diagnose me, I NEVER felt better after leaving a therapy office (most of the time I actually felt worse), && I took psychology 101 as well as read plenty of books on cognitive behavioral therapy. I am usually open minded but sometimes I can't open my mind up to believe that therapy would work. So that's a no. I tried to get help for years, I didn't we're moving on from that.
Diagnosis: Bipolar is hella hard to diagnose. An excerpt form a news article stated that “The average length of time between a person’s first episode and getting the correct diagnosis is eight years,” said Kay Redfield Jamison, a professor of psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and author of “Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament.” (Do I plan on reading her book? you bet your sweet cheeks I do.)
So moral of the story, You know your body, mind & soul. If you feel like something is wrong then you bulldoze your way through the doctor's telling you otherwise && get the proper resources to help you with your aliment.
Reminder: Please do not ask me if I'm okay 300xs a day or tell me you wont treat me differently. It makes me have a manic episode. When I had my back surgery people would constantly put limitations on what I could do (Not doctors; friends and family) && it would piss me off because I know what I am capable of. I am still able to compose myself properly && I am the same person I was before my diagnosis. I HAVE bipolar disorder, I am NOT just this diagnosis.
Another good read on how it feels to live with bipolar.
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