17 Times.

17 times a day I spend at least 10-15 minutes "picking-up" one room. Not cleaning just quickly making it look presentable. Why? Why would I spend nearly four && a half hours on making one room look DECENT, when the only people here are the ones making it a mess? My kids constantly fighting over the same three toys when they have sprawled out all of the toys we own across the floor && my husband who apparently can not use a coaster && leaves all four of his cups on the end table, Me folding the blanket I desperately want to crawl into && sleep for days in.

Why mama? Why are we so pressured to clean the house when we make so little of the mess?

Here's What I found out about myself while asking these questions:

I'm Depressed, Making my house look clean makes me feel like I've actually accomplished something with my day, It also makes me super fucking tired.

Stay-at home-mom depression (SAHMD) is a real thing!!!!: To build off of that everyone says "Depression has it's ups && downs" && what a load of bullshit that is. Depression isn't a fun little chart with waves of ups && downs. No, Depression is more like a circle meaning you cycle through phases of depression. Take what I am currently going through. SAHMD its never ending, here's the cycle (in a cute little chart for easy understanding)

That's it friends, Mom's are tired && need help. "Well, Why don't mom's ask for help then?" (insert irritated mom face here) We do, First its nicely, "Babe can you please do the dishes tonight it would be so helpful", Then (after 2 days) its bossy "Babe, I really need you to do those dishes. I'm tired && need a break", Then we fly off the handle (by the end of a week) "All I needed was your damn help but now I'm going to have to do it like I do everything around here, All the fucking time by myself"..... Eventually we get to a point where you're right, we don't ask for help because it becomes another argument that we don't have time for (please see the part where I spend 4.5 hours on tidying up one room).

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THIS IS A SIGN OF DEPRESSION. I'm not looking out at some amazing view before doing my dishes.

Now, Hear me out here because this part is important. If you see signs of depression, in any form, that person needs help!!, they shouldn't have to ask for it by the time it's obvious to other people. You don't have to be imposing or rude about it either, its a simple hey do you need help with anything?, What can I do for you?. Most people who are going through this just need to vent (THE ENTIRE REASON I STARTED A BLOG... incase y'all were wondering), other people will just ask for help with something so small that will make a huge difference, a while back I asked my friend who was over visiting to do the dishes while I cleaned the rest of my house then we sat down, had coffee, && talked about life. Honestly, that was the relief I needed to get my shit together && hop out of this cycle even if it was for a little bit it still helped tremendously. && In case you guys are wondering I AM HERE FOR YOU, Helping people is what helps me feel better. You need help with your kids, Don't feel like making dinner? Come over lets cook together, share some time && vent, let the kids have fun while we clean up after. It's little things like community that I am missing the most right now.

Also I will not say no to anyone wanted to come help me clean my house this weekend.